


Calm Down (Consider This a Warning)

by ambitiousbutrubbish



Series: Maybe You'll See Me on the Evening News (With a Bag Over My Head) [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, kinda sorta related to my other fic but not importantly, let's just say they're in the same relationship, mostly implied relationship to be honest but still definitely there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-26
Updated: 2014-04-26
Packaged: 2018-01-20 21:46:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1526849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ambitiousbutrubbish/pseuds/ambitiousbutrubbish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi has to make a split second decision, or Erwin will die. It’s not a position he wants to be in. It's not a position he can accept.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Calm Down (Consider This a Warning)

Hospitals are supposed to be clean. They’re supposed to be places where people get well. But they’re not. They’re places that smell like blood and vomit and sweat. They’re places that smell like death. And Levi isn’t supposed to be in one. He’s not supposed to be forced out of a hospital room because Erwin was in there. Because Erwin smelled like sweat and blood and death and Levi wasn’t leaving until he had scrubbed every last inch of that place. Until the hospital was clean.

The doctors had worked around him for hours. No one had seemed game enough to tell him to leave. But then there was a cough and a choking sound and suddenly Levi had found himself outside of the room boxed in by three doctors, standing in such a way that he couldn’t see over them and through the viewing window.

There’s a commotion behind them, the doors slamming open and two nurses almost dragging a boy into one of the empty surgery rooms, shouting about his appendix. Immediate medical attention needed for his survival.

Levi can see it in their eyes, the second the doctors are given another option. They had already given up Erwin for a lost cause. His wound had gone untreated for a day, and he’d lost massive amounts of blood fighting and moving without it. And with the fever now apparently settling in, he knows, without even asking, that they don’t think he’ll make it. That they don’t think he’s worth their time. That they will leave him to die to save this unknown boy and they won’t regret it.

Levi grabs the closest doctor by the collar and yanks so hard the doctor falls to his knees. Levi looms over him, thinks back to a time when this was all he did, when he kicked and punched until people fell down and and then looked them in the eye while they trembled on the ground, because the best way to kick someone when they’re down is to order them around when they can do nothing to stop you. It’s a position he thought he’d grown past, but it takes very little to conjure up again.

“Save Commander Smith.”

It’s not a request, it’s an order. 

\-------------------------

The kid dies, of course.

Levi tells himself that sometimes sacrifices have to be made. Sometimes the greater good can only be served by doing a small bad. Sometimes, to save the many, the individual must be lost. Erwin believes it, has built his code on it, and so Levi does too.

He makes sure he’s there when the kid’s body is taken out of the hospital. He makes sure to look at the face of death, a death that he caused by trying to save another. He makes sure to touch the body, too feel everything about what he’s done, that cold, lifeless corpse that is being wheeled out of the hospital because of him.

You have to face up to your sacrifices. You have to look them in the eye, see and acknowledge what you’ve done. It’s the only way to know that you’re still human, to look at what you’ve sacrificed and be ripped apart by it, feel it down to your bones because you did this. You have to pay your respects and give your thanks.

Erwin believes in that, as well.

\-------------------------

He made the decision for himself. 

Levi didn’t think about humanity. When he heard the choking and he saw the resignation in the doctor’s eyes, he didn’t think about what humanity would say when they saw Erwin again for the first time. He didn’t think about how Erwin was a part of their hope, that even as humanity despised him for appearing cold and inhuman, he was still the leader of the greatest chance they had at defeating the Titans and moving once again beyond the walls. He didn’t wonder about what humanity would have now, not when they saw that one of their heroes was broken, and part of their hope along with him.

Levi didn’t even think about Erwin. About how Erwin would feel, living with only one arm. Not even his dominant one. He may have continued to lead the Corps to rescue the Yaegar brat even after cutting off his own limb, may have proved that he was still more than capable, but Levi knows that there will be some who doubt his leadership, and Erwin’s command demands no questions or second-guessings. They may even see it necessary to replace Erwin as Commander, and Levi is under no illusions that he would take that well. He remembers lying next to Erwin, their hands pressed palm to palm, as he told him of his dream for humanity. How he wanted to rid the world of the Titan threat, and watch as the walls and cities were left behind as people began to expand and live again. How he dreamed of everyone being able to look up and see the horizon, the mountains and the trees and the ocean - things that Erwin had only been told about by his father, before he was murdered. How he had described the house they would get, far away from everything else. Free.

Levi had kept his eyes closed the whole time, but he had listened to every word, and heard everything Erwin wasn’t saying. Erwin’s sole reason for living was to lead humanity from behind the walls into a Titan-free world. To prove his father’s theories right - that there is a world beyond them. He’d dedicated his life to that goal, and he’d give his death to it too. He may still. Levi doesn’t know how Erwin would live with that taken away from him, or even if he could.

He’s not even sure if Erwin would agree with him that he had made the right sacrifice, letting the kid die. Erwin is not arrogant. He’s never considered his life as worth more than anyone else’s, especially those of the civilians. Those to whom he offers his heart, only for it to be ripped to shreds by harsh actions and harsher words, by doubt and fear and pain. He only has Levi to put it back together, and Levi can never believe that he is enough.

No, he made the decision for himself. Because he joined the Survey Corps to kill Erwin, but he stayed to understand him. And then he stayed to protect him. And then to know him. And then, finally, Levi stayed to share Erwin’s bed and his dreams and his life. Levi doesn’t know if there’s anything for him here without Erwin, and he doesn’t want to find out. 

Erwin gave him everything. He took him from a thug on the streets to a Captain, with men and women who admire and respect him. And Levi lost things along the way, he lost almost everything that tied him to to he was and that he loved, but Erwin was always there. Erwin was there with purpose and redemption and Levi let himself hope for a life beyond what he knew. Erwin has given him that once before, and Levi believes absolutely that he would again. 

He tells his fallen soldiers that they give him strength. But he’s never wanted Erwin’s.

(And maybe he was also a little worried about what they would try to do with him if Erwin died. They might try to make him Commander, and Levi is not a Commander. Levi is a weapon, and a weapon needs a wielder. He doesn’t think that he could follow that Arlert brat into hell.)

\-------------------------

When the fever breaks, Levi is allowed back in the hospital room.

He looks down at Erwin, briefly. He’s pale, the shadows around his eyes seem deep, dark, as if they have sunken into his face. His hair is dishevelled, matted to his forehead by sweat. He doesn’t even look like someone Levi knows.

Levi has seen Erwin asleep hundreds of times. Even then, there’s a presence to him. He’s solid. He’s a fact. Always in control, always in command. He’s never vulnerable, even when unconscious,

Now, Erwin looks small, somehow, as if he’s fuzzy at the edges.

Levi turns his back to the bed and picks up his duster from where he left it two days ago.

\-------------------------

He’s not even sure that he made the right decision for himself.

He looks down at Erwin and he doesn’t see hope or purpose, he just sees death. An end to everything. He tries to keep his head down, to keep looking out for something to clean, to make right again, but he can’t help the way his gaze is drawn to the body in the hospital bed. 

Because every time he looks at Erwin, he’s reminded that everything he’s given his life to, everything he’s pinned his hopes on, is so completely mortal. And now utterly, utterly frail. 

Who knows how the Scouting Legion would’ve continued forward without Erwin, but now hopefully they won’t have to find out for at least a little longer and Levi doesn’t know what to do with that information, because in a split second he made a decision that potentially changed the entire course of humanity and he never wanted that. He’s always been fine making decisions on missions. Out there, in the fresh air with a Titan baring down on everyone he knows, Levi doesn’t hesitate. He trusts his instincts and he reacts and he gets his men out of danger because that is what Levi is good at - saving people and killing things. But the bigger picture, the plans and the strategies, they belong to Erwin. 

Erwin plots every second of his day. He’s ten steps ahead at all times, his plans have plans, and those have counter-plans and sub-plans and alternate plans. New recruits are told to watch out for Levi, but Levi’s only advise is to never try to outthink Erwin Smith. But there’s only so much plans can do, only so far that you can account for every possible outcome, every little change. There’s always an element of chance, always a wildcard, and that wildcard had been a Titan clamping down on Erwin’s arm. A force of nature, far out of any member of humanity’s control, and Erwin made a decision, he sliced off his own arm and led his soldiers to victory, and Levi knows it was the right choice, it has to be, because Erwin made it.

But Levi doesn’t know if his choice was the right one. He can’t help but think of the way that he waits for Erwin when they’re going somewhere, how he waits for Erwin to pass so that he can follow behind him. And that now, when he does, he will look up and see Erwin’s empty right shirt sleeve and be reminded of everything he’s lost. Everything he can lose. And he couldn’t save Erwin from the Titans, but he saved him when he needed it most, when Erwin couldn’t do it himself.

Every time when Erwin passes and Levi follows, he will still be able to look up and see Erwin.

And it’s enough.

It has to be.

\-------------------------

He can’t make the smell disappear. The blood, the sweat and the death, it pervades everything. It’s in the air, the furniture, the very bones of the building. It’s everywhere, and Levi can’t fix it and he can’t escape it. It settles over his mind and limbs until he can’t clean anymore. He can’t even stand, and he allows himself to sink slowly into the chair at Erwin’s bedside.

He still can’t bring himself to look at Erwin’s face, staring resolutely at Erwin’s left hand, as he reaches out and takes it - Erwin’s only hand, now - between his own.

And he can feel life and purpose there, the heat that fills Erwin’s body and the pulse beneath his fingertips and Levi can’t bring himself to regret his decision for a second.

**Author's Note:**

> So basically I'm enamored with the way that Levi shadows Erwin, okay.
> 
> Title from [The Consequence](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfXMRciH1_c) \- You And Me At Six


End file.
